Dear American Liberals, Leftists, Social Progressives, Socialists, Marxists, et. al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. The two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile, slate it up to irreconcilable differences, and go our own ways.
Here is a model dissolution agreement. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass, each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle to move them). We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the small businessmen, CEOs, and Rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood. You can keep the "girly men."
You can make nice with Iran, Palestine and France, and we'll retain the right to invade places that persistently threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or way of life are under assault, we'll provide them job security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values. You are welcome to Atheism, Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley MacLaine. You can have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors (that is practicing Howard Dean) who will follow to your turf. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a necessary luxury and not a right.
We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and The National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute-- Imagine, I'd Like to Teach The World To Sing, Coom-By-Ya, or We Are the World. We'll practice trickle-down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty its best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our History, our Name, and our Flag.
Would you agree to this? In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR on who will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student
American Citizen
P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand.
